…happy birthday to me…
The last request…
Photo Finish as the Terminator!
all credit for this idea goes to Colfax, so you are not allowed to steal it from him, and I MEAN IT! I’ll chase you all down with a spork and freak out *laughs*
Sun and moon…
The things I see on the days I run out of coffee…
If anypony needs me I’ll be under my workbench.
Okay… let’s see if I got this thing working again… words on the screen, good… just let me check this wire here and… jndwiuhxwsSjhfty65Eb74nbralCmKAuHofyFw …Ow, blast it… even with all the voltage I’ve soaked up over the years that still stings, and I think I bit my tongue…
Now where was I…? Oh, right, I was going to ramble on a bit for no good reason other than boredom…
So how about a bit of a biograph for the one or two ponies that read this drivel of mine…
Born and raised in Cloudsdale mine was not an exceptional foalhood, nothing too traumatic happened as I was growing up beyond the usual mishaps of youth, sneaking into the Wonderbolts training facility, which could have gone better if they hadn’t been in the middle of a training session… being chased by the city guards for trying to steal one of their helmets on a dare… would have made it too if I hadn’t clipped a wingtip while banking for a turn and went cartwheeling into the post office… thought mom and dad were going to have my wings plucked after that one… needless to say my youth was properly misspent doing most of the things a young colt shouldn’t really be doing.
School was a bit of a trial though, for the most part I found it mind-numbingly boring and I had a bad habit of not doing my homework, but I did so well on tests that I was, for the most part, forgiven this little foible… early on I found I did have a love of reading and enjoyed tinkering with anything mechanical I could get my hooves on, much to my father’s chagrin when I disassembled his treasured longcase clock, but his mood improved when I reassembled it and fixed the chimes.
After school I really couldn’t find much that appealed to me as a long-term career so I more or less bummed around for a while, doing lots of odd jobs, part-time stuff, tried my hoof at being a messenger pony but that got boring quickly and even considered joining the city guard… but they remembered me so that was out.
I was at a loose end for quite a while when dad, in his infinite wisdom, suggested (loudly) that I apply at the weather factory and so, lacking a convincing argument to the contrary, I did.
It didn’t end well.
Mind you, it was fine at the start, I was put on the maintenance team, we were the ponies tasked with the repair and upkeep of the various machines around the factory, which I excelled at… I was able to find ways to make all sorts of repairs without having to spend massive amounts of bits on new parts, jury-rig things so they worked better than when they were new, and came up with several modifications to the equipment that helped increase production while making it easier for the workers running it… then I got an idea.
The idea concerned the delivery system for rainbows, it involved high volume storage tanks and a high pressure valve system and… well… it turns out that math isn’t really my strong suit and things went a bit… wrong, tanks ruptured, pipes shattered and several hundred ponies found out just how spicy rainbows can be… thank Celestia nopony was hurt but I was encouraged to seek job opportunities elsewhere… and I had the hoof-shaped bruises from that encouragement on my flank for a month.
It was around this time that I realized that I wasn’t going to find much around Cloudsdale once they got a look at my job record and did some checking, so I decided to try to find something elsewhere… I eventually found my way to Canterlot… I figured hey, if I was going to be homeless anyway at least the scenery was nice.
Luckily for me it turns out that there’s a decent demand for pegasi there for jobs that aren’t easy for unicorns to do, especially when it comes to things like repair and construction well above ground level, it’s not all that easy for unicorns to get up there and do things like repair roofs or build those ridiculously tall buildings they love so much in that city.
It was while helping repair a roof some unicorn had summoned a dragon through or something that I ran into an old friend that had somehow managed to get himself a position as a royal guard and we got to talking.
One thing led to another, I believe there was a quantity of various intoxicating beverages involved at some point during the night and several silly ideas were exchanged leading up to me giving serious thought to signing up with the guard…
I figured it’d be a good thing, room and board, I could enjoy the city, meet other ponies, make new friends, and maybe even do some good for others…
Once again I figured wrong, the recruiting sergeant took one look at my paperwork and at me and said only two words… “Night Guard”.
Now bear in mind this was some time before our beloved Princess Luna’s return so the Night Guard was more ceremonial than anything, granted we did have patrols to make sure nothing went bump in the night but they were usually done when everypony with half a brain was in bed and virtually everything except for Pony Joe’s doughnut shop was closed, so it was even more lonely and boring than being homeless, especially when you consider that, barring the occasional youthful curfew violation one never really met anypony else.
Along with boring patrols we also stood watch over the Night Court, but since there was no Princess of the Night attending this involved standing in a large dark empty throne room, which seemed weighed down by an almost unbearable sadness, for hours on end…
The only real high points of this time were the few rare occasions where I got to actually meet Princess Celestia… There are no words that can adequately describe the feeling one gets when in her presence, poets have tried for centuries and fallen far short, and I’m no poet so I wont even try.
Needless to say this situation eventually became rather wearing on the nerves and I found my mind wandering a bit more than it should to other things, things I wanted to do, to see, to build, to experience… so after giving it considerable thought I turned in my armor (though I did keep the helmet and the shoes) and said my goodbyes… Oddly enough they seemed to understand, I think they had a fairly high turnover rate for the Night Guard back then.
Of course, this was before the return of Princess Luna so I got to miss out on all of that because I couldn’t wait just a little while longer… yay me… pfui.
To sum up, I had been living well below my means so I had a comfortable amount of bits saved up so I put them to good use traveling, learning what I could and seeing what there was to see, much more than I could go into here at this time.
Eventually I found my way to Ponyville and found the place appealing, large enough to have all the amenities I’d grown accustomed to while not being overwhelming, so I found an old barn outside of town near the infamous Everfree forest and moved in, setting up a small workshop on the bottom floor with rooms upstairs.
I keep in touch with the friends I’ve made in the places I’ve been and made quite a few more in town here… all in all I’m enjoying myself and plan on hanging around for quite some time to come.
Whoa… just looked back and noticed that I filled up the page pretty nicely here, and this isn’t even the whole story, just the highlights… But then again if I gave it to you all at once you’d have no reason to ever come back again so I guess that works out.
So yeah, that’s pretty much how I stumbled my way to Ponyville, a nice quiet little town with only the occasional apocalyptic calamity to liven things up.
Now if you’ll excuse me, the crash I just heard tells me the mailmare is here and the muffins are getting cold.
Hay, okay, turns out this thing works better when I turn it on… guess that whack to the head was a bit harder than I originally thought… oh well, nopony missed anything with the posts that never made it.
So, now that I got as far as turning it on, I turned off the transcribing of all events, so you don’t have to read about all the noises going on in the background.
Firstly, I recently found a large, rather thick red envelope on my doorstep one morning, now I know it didn’t arrive through normal means since it didn’t have any teethmarks or muffin crumbs on it, I haven’t opened it nor do I have any intention of opening it, I do not know who sent it but I do know what it represents…
To the one that sent it, I don’t do that sort of work, and I never did, that was a rumor started to test a theory, so you can come retrieve your materials from where they’re stored in the old lightning split oak on the far side of my property near the forest’s treeline.
If it’s still there after seven days I’ll be turning it over to a few friends I still have in the royal guard, I’m sure they’d find it most interesting.
Secondly, to the one that left the oh so endearing note nailed to my front door… I hate to dash your theory but my parents are both happily married to each other and not blood-related to each other in any fashion, so no points to you.
But if you’d like to drop by and discuss this further, please feel free, I have a few salient points I’d like to deliver… to your face.
And thirdly, I’m still trying to locate the head of that old mechanical manticore of mine that’s currently being used as a mailbox stand, so if anypony has seen it I’d really appreciate it’s return, I put quite a lot of work into it.
All right then, I think that’s it for now, and just in time too because my kettle is whistling… either that or I have a boiler about to explode… I’d better see to that.
*a faint pop followed by the soft hiss of white noise as the sounds of background machinery fades into hearing accompanied by the sounds of shuffling papers*
All right fillies and gentlecolts, time for a few questions from the folks out there… let’s see what we have here… okay… ummm… bill… bill… another bill… restraining order… Sun and Moon, I apologized for that and replaced the wall, what more do they want? What else… advert… note from the library about an overdue book, need to see to that… yet another bill, such angry looking stickers on these, do they really think a big red ‘Overdue - Final Notice’ will frighten the masses or something? Okay, letter of commendation from the Royal Canterlot Council of Engineers… letter of condemnation from the Royal Canterlot Council of Science… death threat… an offer to break my wings… muffin recipe… bill… subpoena… Sheesh, is this really what I get in the mail? Oh well.
*susurrus of a rather large stack of papers being pushed onto the floor followed by a quiet sigh*
Well now, it looks like nopony sent me anything I can actually reply to so I guess this is a bust, I’ll just sign off for now… wonder if there’s any of that cider left.
If anypony needs me, you know how to reach me… unless you think I owe you bits or something, then you’re cordially invited to go pound rocksalt down a gopher hole, the rest of you have a good night.
Aye, I like to fancy myself as one, though some of my former instructors may like to disagree…
I have had a few more successes than failures.
I used to be a royal guard, until I took a cupcake to the eye.
Sun and moon but this is good cider… time to crack another cask!
With any luck I can stay pickled till spring rolls around.
*background noises, steam hissing, the hum of machinery, and what sounds like the ticking of a very large clock*
Ok… testing… is this thing working?
*sounds of a hoof tapping against a microphone*
Ok everypony, I think this thing is doing what it’s meant to… not very keen on relying almost entirely on magic but the librarian said this will do what I want and Her Majesty’s personal protege should know what she’s doing after all, right? So let’s see what happens.
*shuffling sounds in the background as papers and things are moved around*
Typing wasn’t among my many talents and writing is just a bother so I was able to persuade her to help me whip up something to take care of getting everything I say down and save me the trouble of taking notes for every little thing.
*more sounds of items being shuffled and something rolling across a tabletop to clatter to the floor*
Sun and Moon… I’d drop my head next if it wasn’t securely bolted on… well, it couldn’t have been important, whatever it was, since it didn’t break when it hit the floor… It’s always the important stuff that breaks, trust me on that one, voice of experience.
*sounds of a chair being pushed back and hoofsteps fading as they move away*
Well, I’ll keep this missive short since I’m still chasing bugs out of the system, so I’ll be back, eventually, barring incident.
*sound of hoofsteps moving away again followed by the sound of somepony stumbling over something on the floor*
Condound it, who’s leaving my tools all over the floor!?
*sound of what could be somepony stumbling into a bookcase and pulling it down on top of him followed by a short series of smaller crashes and several minutes of silence, then a low groan*
Ugh… I’m ok… the bookcase is safe, I broke it’s fall… just quit blinking at me and sign off already… infernal machine… probably conspiring with the coffee maker against me.
*incoherent rambling follows*
Ok, sorry about the long delay here, I think I finally got things sorted out on my end…
The roof has been fixed, the steam-cannon dismantled, and the headaches, double-vision, & ringing in my ears have gone away, so I think I’m ready for business now.
Heard a bit of ruckus in town the other day that I’m glad to have missed… things just haven’t been the same around town since that unicorn moved into the old library.
Don’t get me wrong, she seems nice enough the few times I’ve been in there to check out a book once in a while, though that dragon of her’s is a bit too snarky for his own good sometimes, but so much weirdness has been going on lately it simply can’t be coincidence… parasprites, reality bending chaos spirits, ursas, the sun not coming up, princesses popping up in town left, right, and center… It’s getting so a pony can’t even go into town for lunch without getting caught up in yet another end of the world scenario that they’re ill-equipped to deal with… This used to be such a nice quiet town.
But I digress, in spite of all that I wouldn’t trade living here for the biggest house in Canterlot, and even if the place has gotten a little bit weirder, it’s encouraging to see how well everypony pulls together to help sort it out, that’s something you don’t find in a lot of towns and cities these days.
Ok, I think I’ve rambled on long enough without really saying anything, got things to do here… Now, what the hay is a piezooka and what would Pinkie need it for anyway…?
I swear, the ponies in this town are crazy…